apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
