She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
