My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
