Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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