Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
