If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
tell me about the fingering
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
