He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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