The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I want to be your penis for a week.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And he claims I gave him āfuck meā eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
