youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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