This is not my ceiling
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
