Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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