be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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