Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
