Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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