I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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