the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
