I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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