I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
