Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
