The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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