I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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