I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
