I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
