Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The air was thick with penises
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
