I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
