I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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