Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
