There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
