Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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