I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
