the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
