who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
