Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
