if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
