glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Randomize
