I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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