dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
