the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form