6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that