Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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