i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think your dad took our porno
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
