There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
