I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
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they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
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You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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