o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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