when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
