In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
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Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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