the condom got lost in my hair
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
