insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
