As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
