the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
