So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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