...so i touched it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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