Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
