somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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