I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
