Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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