I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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