apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
